I’m at my father’s house this weekend. I’m going to go fix Lori’s modem in exchange (hopefully) for some more milk. I didn’t call her until today to let her know I was coming. Here is the milk I got last week. It was fantastic! I haven’t had milk in months, I felt very lucky.

Zach just left to go back home. We had a wonderful time. We went to the hotsprings, played frisbee, went skiing, play a lot of magic, played some duris, and went to the Franti & Spearhead concert! It was a blast, and I’m thinking Zach had a good time, hopefully I’ll get to see more of him. He brought four magic decks with him, a blue pinger deck, a red creature deck, a green lifespring deck, and a black rat deck. We had a freakin blast. I haven’t played magic in such a long time, so many memories!

The batch of kimchi I made and blogged was done last week, I’ve since eaten most of it, and gave a jar to Rachel. Also I made another batch which did Not turn out and needs to be thrown away. It didn’t ’sink’ properly, it made me very sad =(

here me pulling off the rotten layer of cabbage on the surface, and the gold underneath is kimchi.

Here is it packed into mason jars and ready to refrigerate!

Dad is working on a saltwater aquarium, it’s really gorgeous. He has put several large hunks of ‘living rock’ inside. Living Rocks are big hunks of magma rock that someone lays in the ocean for several years until it becomes teeming with life. Then they take them and put them into a saltwater tank, and the rock transformer the tank environment with a perfect mixture of ambient bacterias, creatures, microbes, and creepy crawlies…He is really excited about it and is having lots of fun. Here is a photo of the top tank.(he’s got a really complex multi-tank system planned).

Mariah came back from spring break on thursday. Friday night I was terrible. We went over to spend the last night out with Hailey and Tyler before Hailey has to go back. We played some egyptian rat screw and watched Pan’s Labyrinth. When we got home, I wasn’t acting very well. I was frustrated with Mariah and I wasn’t capable of communicating with her.

It was invariably about sex. I hadn’t seen her for a week…and it really is the only night we’d have the time, I was leaving for my father’s the next morning, and the following week was already busy and picking up momentum. It’s really terrible…why am I not capable of just asking her for sex? Is it just the plain truth of that statement, I’m embarrassed to have to ASK someone for sex. Even if it’s the woman I sleep with? I couldn’t even talk with her about it. I just became more and more frustrated and indecipherable. I don’t get it, I was just too afraid to talk to her, and yet I want it all the more badly. Eventually…late late into the night, we did start to talk.

It’s so easy for me to think well…”Why doesn’t she want me?” or “Why is she leading me on like this?”…and as fast as they crop up, I cut those ones down with “Why are you putting the blame on her?” and “She’s perfectly fine, it’s YOU who can’t handle it.”

Pretty soon I’m getting trampled into the wooden floorboards by legions of hellishly brutal idioms, shouting out all the more intricately and vengefully by the moment.

To Mariah, this is Jared being silent. He doesn’t respond to what she says, he’s quiet. To Jared, this is War. And He’s just scrapping for survival, being clawed and shoved down to the bleeding bottom of the list.

I do not want to continue living like this. It hurts me. Mariah is unfailingly patient with me, but it is not pleasant for either of us. I’m not certain what to do. By the time it hits me, I’m toast…avoidance or prevention even are the shiny words here, but now I actually have to use them. Can anyone out there help me? Please? I know I have to help myself first. But I’m asking anyway. In addition.

I’m no expert in the subject by the way, I’m still learning, some days more then others =)

1. a clean conscious
Who wants to have worries? Fear? If you are afraid of something, address it immediately. Don’t worry about letting someone else down, take a moment and talk about it. Rejection, pregnancy, STDs, fantasy, desires, annoyances, something that makes you uncomfortable, cumming, orgasms, plans for the future, whatever is on your mind, obscure, gross, petty or looming. Just take a Deep Breath and put it out there. The more plain and straight forward the better.
You’d think that this would be a simple and blithely obvious stickler, but in the midst of things, it can be moronically easy to shove these ‘trivialities’ into the darker corners and pay them no heed.
It’ s NOT worth it. It doesn’t matter how badly you think it will turn out, or if you believe it will ruin the moment. It’s better sooner then later, and the longer you carry it around inside of you the more trouble is going to come of it.

2. a clean body
Surely there is no end to the different practices of sex. Some of us desire to be strong and unbreakable, some of us want to be loved, some of us want to be hurt, some battered, and some enshrined. Some want to be coveted, some of us want to be beautiful, some want release and some of us maybe want to just feel happy. I think I want all of these things sooner or later, but most consistently, what i desire is to be taken away. I want to be swept up and out of myself.
it just so happens that It’s MUCH easier to be swept off your feet when you smell nice. Things you can do. Take a shower, take a bath. Enjoy your shower and your bath knowing that you’re building up to something extra wonderful. Wash your hair! Soap! Use soap! Scrub your skin, a washcloth for the gentlefolk, (i like pumice!), a rough rock, a back brush or a shower scrubby. Lavish yourself! Wake up all those nerve endings, make sure they’re ready for a trip.
Oils and smoke. For most people, this will be everything and more then you could imagine! Nothing builds up to the truly erotic like a little living oil. Olive or Coconut oils are easy to find, smell delicious, and will give your skin a vibrant intensity. Smudge yourself, sage, lavender, sweetgrass, marijuana if you please. Especially get your hair, it will last the longest. Take a few moments to enjoy yourself, and think how much more fun you can have now that everybody is going to want to snuggle right up close to you! If you don’t like smudges or smoke try essential oils. A dab of eucalyptus or ginger on the neck or the wrists will last a ways!

3. free time and open space
Don’t push things too close. Give yourself time before (during), and after. Lots and lots of time. Open space is wonderful too. If your house is a mess, go outside, the more open space the better. If it’s winter time, just pack it up and head over to a friend’s instead…or alternately clean your house :P
It’s hard to escape if you are surrounded by your artifacts of daily living. If you wish, keep a mindful space somewhere for sexual play. Whether it’s your room, the couch, or the (sturdy) kitchen table, pick a place you enjoy being around, something that appeals to you. Spend time with your space when you aren’t in a sexual mood too, bring it gifts, and whisper nice things in it’s ears.

4. a close friend (or two)
Only you can truly be the judge of whom you wish to share the pleasures with. Nobody else is qualified to decide for you. That being said, we all have our opinions! I’m of the opinion that sex is best and most rewarding with someone whom you have strong relationships with outside of sex. Truly and utterly the key here seems to be someone you are comfortable with. If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t have sex. If you have reservations, talk about them or don’t have sex. If you are afraid, discuss your fear, or don’t have sex.

5. easy come, easy go
Sex isn’t something that can be defined on a piece of paper, my blog, or in a psychologist’s medical dictionary. It’s an experience, and it’s your experience, none the less. So, while the first four points are good suggestions, ultimately the strongest and most powerful tool you have is yourself. Trust yourself, listen to your feelings, they are happening for a reason, even if it isn’t immediately clear.
If you are willing to accept your mistakes, and forgive others’ the same…you have the whole wide world spread graciously before you.

Do you enjoy sex in the same way that you once did? Has it changed for you? Do you have any really strong experiences that stand out, if so…what do you think contributed to such a thing? Please share with us! We’d all love to hear about you!

I stumbled across a freakin strange blog today. WalkingCatFish appears to be written entirely from the point of view of some sort of aquatic alien space creature…or maybe just a lurker of our own ecosystem that has kept itself out of man’s hair over the centuries.

I like it, it’s cute. Little does it know that I am actually a felinoid blogger and some self aware seafood is sounding awfully good right about now. I hope you didn’t give a location CatFish…im coming for you!

On a separate note…look at the cover to Tom Robbin’s “Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas”…thats hot n amphibious for reezi. I love Tom Robbins like sin. I think Jitterbug Perfume actually changed the way I smell…and plus I have been endowed with a portentious appreciation of beets.

hello terrazoa, i missed you. it wasn’t as if i forgot about you…it was really more of a ‘i don’t want to talk to you right now’ thingy. I’m sorry, i’m back, here i am. Maybe I’ll learn something and maybe it’ll all be better for us my dear sweet blog ! So whats going on in my life right now? well here it all is…

1. Work, it’s pretty rediculous…i want more money {of course!} but I don’t feel like I’m on top of things quite enough to ask for a raise. I am much more efficient and focused then I was when I first started, but I still don’t dedicate myself fully. There is also a job at the university that pays better and I’d get tuition credits. I’m going to put in for it, I’ll keep you posted.

2. No sex. We’re not having sex until April 2nd. That is about four monthes, from when we started (december)…We made it through January so far so good! I’ve been good, I haven’t had sex with Maya, I haven’t had sex with anyone else, and I have not masturbated…I haven’t had an orgasm in 1.5 months, and I’m starting to feel better. I don’t know how to describe our situation in december, but it wasn’t very positive. We were not enjoying each other’s company…it is starting to get better lately, but i sorta grouched at Maya again last night and this morning. It was just a small thing really starting out, but it got to me pretty quickly. Lets put it all out in the open, may there be some relief here.

3. Everything was great last night, at first…Mariah came home, I had just finished up the dishes, she took off most of her clothes and sat on the couch with me, I rubbed her shoulders, neck, and back..stroked her hair, and we talked for a few minutes, fell asleep cuddling. I felt pretty good still, we were going to eat soon, there was some soup on the stove still. When she doesn’t want to deal with me, she falls asleep. I can’t help it…it’s not like I was going after sex, i just wanted some kisses, and a little play but she just lays there, and after a minute or two of me trying [i feel it's direct, but not pushy] to arouse her a little, with strokes and playful kisses…she rolls and sort of sighes in protest. It starts right there.

I go get her some soup, we eat mostly quiet, and go to bed. We lay down…she on her half, me on mine. If I don’t go to her, she won’t come to me…maybe thats just how it is. But it REALLY gets to me right now, and makes me want to play the with-holding game, which is totally self-defeating by the way, because I can’t be nice and with-hold from people…I’m either totally on the bus, or totally Off the bus…and if I’m totally off the bus it’s obvious that something is wrong…and of course she isn’t going to be affectionate if something is wrong.

So it means I have to deal with it, and maybe just accept that if I don’t go to her, she won’t ever come to me. but that makes me feel hurt, and then i start to feel stuck and angry, and i’m at odds with myself for a day or more. Anyway last night, we crawl in bed, she knows something is wrong and talks to me for a few moments, asks something, I tell her I want to be close to her but I don’t want to MOVE close to her…she asks me if I want her to come over there, and I said yes, but she doesn’t. So I go over to her anyway, and she snuggles close and is warm and sweet like always, but I’m not doing so hot right now, and I can’t take it. I try to talk to her about 30 seconds later and magically she’s not responding, the frustration just continues to build up and up and I feel indignant and a little used…finally I climb out of bed, her knees were propped over me and fall together…she murmurs ow and I naked, go to the kitchen and grab the little green champaigne filled water bong and I really really really want to walk out across the apartment building naked and go stand out on the balcony for a smoke.

I can hear people talking, and hesitate…but after a moment I do anyway and head down the hallway naked, carrying a bong out to the balcony. It’s freezing out, I have a smoke, don’t feel much better, nobody comes outside, nobody sees me. I’m a little relieved and a little disappointed. I head back inside and go to the couch. I stay up late and read “Weird Florida” and contemplate walking to the backcountry everglades to find me a root doctor that can work some hoodoo, eventually I fall asleep, a vague restless pot sleep, and wake up at about 7am, still grumpy and still mad at Maya.

I did call her you and apologize while I was at work, but I’m still hurt, I just can’t hide it, and I can’t really explain it…i can’t help but feel it always comes out a lot like whining. So instead I try and quantify things…I’ll justify with numbers, instances, fairness, and all that jazz. I’ve given you probably six fairly nice backrubs in the last month, and I don’t get a single one? Just empty promises…sweet delectible juicy hollow pity. I dote over your body, I play with you, I come to you…you don’t touch me, you don’t exhibit any interest in my body, it seems you could care less. You never lay down with me, you never lay down on me, you never move to my side of the bed to snuggle, you never try and take my clothes off. You never try and get me excited, you never attack me, you never tickle me, you say I’m not ticklish, but you don’t know how to tickle someone, it has to come from your eyes not your fingers.

I try so hard to say sweet things(and this hurts me somehow) , you took over my bed! the comfy half, and i sleep on it when you’re gone, but it’s always yours when you’re here, and I take the other half.
You!!!! yes girl, you know who! If I didn’t know better I’d almost say you were Japanese, you don’t WANT anything. Me included…oh the sauce of things. Jokes on me, hah! Now I feel mostly empty, not angry though, but penny brought chocolate to work and I’m starting to crash now…my teeth hurt.

I’m not ready for you. I’m just not there. Your wonderful, and i can’t appreciate you. don’t forget me.

4. There are some new things I want to do here. I want to participate! I want to be a part of the blogosphere, but I’m scattered, and strewn about on the rocks. I don’t make much sense to myself, and I don’t feel very strong, or very insightful, or very special. I don’t quite feel like shit, but I’m usually only one wrong step away from the precipice.

But there are SOME thing I can do, there are SOME things I can bring to the table, and slowly I want them to start showing up here. So there it is…I’m sorry I abandoned you terrazoa, I’m sorry I cause you so much pain Jared, I’m not sorry for you Mariah, but oh god I’d love to be.

Mariah, Owen, and I are driving to Helena again this weekend. It’s friday, and I have three projects going on at work. I want to talk about them, but when I start to think about how I would go about explaining, my head hurts and I give up. But they are for DJ & A Professional Consultants, Felco Industries, and Mars Scott Law Offices.

Dad shot an elk, he called me on tuesday. A young cow, but still large. We’re going to go for the hide and help butcher it. Mariah is going to stay in Butte with her family, who are there for one of Meliss’s tournaments.

I got my wisdom teeth pulled out finally. Wednesday it was…I did NOT want to go at all. But Mariah got work off early and drove me out to reserve street. She is really good at driving a stick for “not knowing how to drive a stick”…she was superb. I filled out the paperwork on the way there, and gave it to Willie. I didn’t like Dr. Taylor much. He did not seem happy…or even really interested in what he was doing. I didn’t want him working on my teeth, they had me sign a sheet of possibilities before the procedure, and there were things like permanent nerve damage, broken jaws, all kinds of gnarliness.

I liked the nurses though, they weren’t embarrassed, and didn’t look away while I was changing. After I was naked, all wrapped up in a paper robe, one of them even went and got my jeans, and had me put them back on, so we wouldn’t have to do it after the operation.

They were both very nice and young, couldn’t have been too much older then me I think. I asked one of them what I would feel, she said I’d be warm, and a bit fuzzy. As they were fussing over me on the chair, a tall lanky black man came into the room. He was dressed like an orderly and had a big ol’ grin on his face. He looked at me and the two girls hovering over me and just started laughing. They called him Carlo, and tried to shoo him away. I had really started to slip at this point, kind of like falling in extreme slow motion away from your vision, which is like a television screen that is really far away, and nearly silent. But the last thing I remember thinking was that I wanted Carlo to do the operation, I had to tell the nurses to get Carlo, not Dr. Taylor to do it.

And then I remember something about painkillers and a car, and then I was at home on the couch. That was two days ago, and wow…it was easy. My face feels radioactive now, I hate my monitor at work. I am going to go get some lunch. Haven’t had anything but a mouthful of green juice and a hunk of raw cheese this morning. God, Mariah drives me crazy, or more like I drive myself crazy over her. I struggle…I’m so horny all the time. And then sometimes I’m just tired and want to cuddle, but it seems like I’m always hounding after her body or her attentions. She’s a pretty good sport, but it surely must annoy her sometimes. I don’t think she tells me when it does.

At the same time I feel like we’d both appreciate each other more if I could just lay off of it for a while, and forget about sex, and her body, and being naked. Sometimes I feel determined to do so. It doesn’t last long. At the slightest sign of excitement from her, I’m already diving off the ship. Silly rabbit. Maybe this week will give us a chance to get away from each other a bit.

Kind of like one of those greedy public experiments a psychologist will pull at your bible study group. Where he/she tells everyone they’ll put a dollar in the bowl every minute until someone takes the money…and if only you and the people next to you could resist grabbing it, you’d have a lifetime supply…but I’m like the person that can’t stand just to sit there and let it build…I just want to taste it!!!

oh dear…okay lunch now. bye, blog. bye.

Is that weakness? I’m sorry Maya.