and by this day, i mean yesterday.

last night was deliciously good for how bad it started off. I got off work, wanted to come home and play some Hellgate. I park across the street, notice the lights are out. Yesssss…I can get some game in before Mariah gets home. Climb out of the car and head across the street right as I see the lights come.

No playing for me…damn she’s fast. I go upstairs and think about taking off my shoes, she wants to go to the store tonight I remember. I am very tired, and just want to play on the computer, but I am to (proud?) to just go home and plug in, in front of her(i’d totally do it if I was alone). Do I take my shoes off…will I just be putting them back on again…lets get this store thinger done with. She doesn’t seem in a hurry. Okay, off go the shoes. In the Kitchen…check the sauerkraut, mist the casing tray, check the mycelial cultures. These golden teacher strains sure are vigorous and fast. Sauerkraut smells good, MUCH better then the last batch…rotten elkhide sauerkraut is not likely to impress anyone. Feel good.

Dirty dishes…eck, start cleaning. I left hellgate up and running ( think I played for a bit during lunch)…she asks if she can close it…but not up front like that. She says to me, “Will your game save?”. I say go ahead, help yourself…my computer heart is flattened, I wasn’t even on the computer, but I WANTEd to be. Sorry J. More dishes…she opens up iTunes, aw fuck, now I really can’t play if she turns music on, what do I just turn it off five minutes later? no…now she closes it…I’m still doing dishes, cleaning up my shit around the house a bit. She is looking up pie recipes, likely in part for my sister. She takes a notepad and fits three or four whole recipes on it. Printed in small fine letters, very neat and precise. It’s impressive, and I feel a little sad because I always just scribble shit, and there she’s investing in it right in front of me,

She’s off…on the phone. I lay down on the couch? Feeling sorry for myself. haha. Soon, something catches my attention…is she talking with her father? Bennett? My blood thickens a bit, I pay closer attention to her words, her attenuation. STop it J. Stop! Finish up the dishes, maybe six o clock now? It’s dark here, and there is snow everywhere. I just want to go skiing.

She tells the phone that we’re going shopping and she has to leave. Few more minutes and I slog on some boots and pull my bloody jeans on over the long underwear. Ready Maya? We head down the hollow metal frame stairs. Stamp. StampStamp. Turns to crunch. Crunch….SKKKCHHhhh!

Out to the car, the music inside is silent. I know this, Beck’s Midnight Vulture album…it’s in the middle of the silent streak. As we’re backing out onto the street, my fingertip dips forward from the stickshift and dogs the volume down to 15. University to Higgins, Higgins to Mount, Mount to Brooks, *crackle* the music creeps back into the car, park in front of Ace. Heading inside.

What do I want…uhm some mist spray bottles, and some wood to make a shelf. Thirty-nine and a half inches. Inside, we get some stuff…bottles, some wood, I have trouble carrying it all to the front, shelf brackets. $30, pay at register. Maya talks to the man, he’s off in 8 minutes, and says he’s the type to have thanksgiving for the dogs. His teeth are dark.

Whip around to russell, russell to third, the Good Food Store. I had turned off the music, I am quiet, don’t want to be in here long. Maya wants to get her sis some granola to take home with her, I don’t want anything…maybe get some cabbage?

Inside. It’s strong and bright, there are lots of people here. *eyes flick to the left*…*hands hover around the alt + tab keys.*

Pick out lots of baby bok choy, a few heads of broccoli and some deep red peppers that feel hot. Second thought, I pick out a couple of those flat onions too, sign says grown in Montana. I’m laconic, still feel sorry for myself, I don’t want to be here, but I keep putting things in my basket. Some raw cheese, some colored pieces of cloth, 10 lbs of soft white summer wheat. Wander, Maya in bulk foods. I walk somewhere and come back, I can feel her to my left, but I don’t look. I walk past her just like she was anyone else, one of you. I don’t look, and she doesn’t notice me.

Sauerkraut, a jar of bubbies, just salt and cabbage. Never had it before…the first and only sauerkraut I’ve had was the rotting elk hide sauerkraut. Mariah moves to the deli or somewhere. I vaguely follow at a distance. It all takes too long, but I make it to the checkout with a german beer with a funny name and a samosa. Opterator or something it’s called. The guy at the front doesn’t ID me, I look young. Maya starts moving towards the front, I take my bag and go outside.

Wire tables and chairs. COLD! Snow and wet, lights…but mostly dark. Sitting down, first breath. It fills me up and I let it boil on out. I feel sort of good. Another breath…I am focusing on this one.

<here is where my night begins to turn around| up until this point I am tense, tired, and agitated, but now, outside in the freeze, with a deep deep darkness close by, I begin to mellow>

…

alright…its 3:20 in the morning. Maya went to bed hours ago, and I stayed up fixerating this blog and trying to explain to my friend Eric how I’ve been eating raw meat for almost a year and I’m not dead yet. He’s not entirely convinced…but I think he is starting to understand that I still exist.

I have to work so soon…ughly. I’d better just cut it short. I am starting to like how this looks though. Still have some things to do, but it sure ain’t bad. He is a picture from our sunday night dinner, at Rachel’s this week. Achmed amazingly managed to stay focus’d on the computer with all of us squirming on top of him, Maya took the photo.