Alex, my boss, [not alex avery] sent me an email [without a subject, he was uncomfortable] telling me to comb my hair, that it looked pretty bad today. I do prefer the term wild to bad, but I can see what Alex is getting at. In my world…I like to leave my hair alone, it just kinda does it’s thing. In the world of rent, groceries, SVC-JMS tags, and commission pay people have certain things they expect of you. Being visually pleasing is not one of those things [how unreasonable]…but looking like you are making the effort to be visually appealing…now there is someone you can really USE! If they’re sexually attracted to you…even better. I don’t *think* alex gets hot and bothered by manbodies…likely you and I will never know the truth.

Anyway…i’m going to see if zonker will cut me a hawk tonight. Enough gelatin and that sucker will be rock-hard for a week! anyhow…down, down, down we go! ho ho hum hum and hehe!

Yes, that is with a Capital ‘C’. =) I was thinking today about what sorts of things I could write. Lists are hugely effective at drawing crowds, but there is something so dull about them, unless perhaps it is a topic that already interests you I suppose. So…stick to things that interest me. Hmmm. What interests me? What REALLY interests me? No faking it here!

Magic. There has never been anything so enticing to me as magic. Video games used to hold it, not so much though after I discovered Mushrooms and Trees and People. I’m afraid of people…but thats okay, because they’re afraid of Magic. What is Magic?

Well…magic is in my eyes and your eyes. You can feel it when they touch you, if you lock into them, it rushes through your skin. Hops and flies…prickling and pushing. Eyes definitely have magic.

The sun knows magic. How do you know? Well, your skin knows. My skin knows, and her skin…her skin REALLY knows. And if your skin knows Sun magic…then your skin must have some skin magic too, else how’d it recognize the Sun magic in the first place?

Helena this weekend. Elk, lots of butchering. A hide too. need lye. Dry Socket. eck flegm. OWWW!!!! Meds, happies, pills, and poppers. Fuzz buzz fuzz, back at worik, nurse rinses it out, equips me. yes, I can has power too! More painkillers.

Worked for a bit today on making an adsense site. I told myself I want to make just one, to go through the process. Test out the waters so to speak. I’m thinking I am going to use wordpress to manage the content, I’ll probably just write it for sake of simplitude. I pulled a good list of keywords out of google’s tool, registered a domain name, bought some related content on onedollarwiki.com, and installed wordpress. Until my boss Alex, pointedly asked me if I had work to be doing. I really rub him wrong when I’m off task. I understand why, if I was paying someone by the hour to be doing work, I’d have pretty solid views on what they did with their that time too.

I get so damned bored, and the allure of das internets takes over. Given it’s a pretty uninspired allure, but it beats heckling symantec enterprise tech support about their buggy products they sold us for gallons of cash. I don’t want to drive Alex up the wall. He’s really cool, and fun, and works way too hard, but he has a family and that’s all he knows. And he does a really good job at what he does.

I either have to not work on my sites…which is totally bunk, because usually I just get distracted reading and [trying to] absorb gounds of infomation, rather then actually doing much. Or, pay attention to whether Alex is in the building, and stay 100% on task while he’s present. Feeling relentlessly rebellious with a righteous dose of apathy today I’m going to try the second option.

Truth is, working a job sucks. I don’t have a degree, I’m not really sure whether that would be any better. Yeah, I’d have a larger check every few weeks, but I’d still have to contribute 1/3 of my existence to colonizing human creativity and shelling it out to likely suitors. Schools not really any better. I don’t want to work anymore, but I don’t really have any other choices if I want to stay in Missoula.

I will try to not think about it. There are so many other things I can address right now, fretting of things I can’t fix…tsk tsk. I love my father, I think he feels the same way about work, but he has this attitude that there is nothing to be done about it, except set yourself up to be higher in the system. That is not entirely true…he also told me the trick is just to find something you love. There is some truth in that I think. If I were fully energetically engaged all day long, I wouldn’t give a shit about money. But that seems like something so remote right now. I have rent due today, and not enough money to pay it…bills, I don’t think I’ve paid the electricity bill in three monthes. But I’m not in debt…I just owe people a fair hunk of money. =)

I have no rights to complain, about anything. There are so many people out there that have much more pressing concerns then their rent and electricity bills. I’m going to make along just fine…as long as I keep that job hah!…There are many positive things in my life that don’t get appreciated. It’s a terribly well-spread story. As a little boy, my mother would ask me to tell her ten things I am grateful for as we were going to sleep. I resented it as totally not-important and a waste of time. These days, I’m not so sure.

I live with the most wonderful young woman I’ve ever known, she is radiant, glowing with care and love. She is fun to be around, very well centered and balanced, but incredibly tough and adventurous. In a wild dream, we would be people of the earth, caring for it’s bounty and laughing into eternity. We work well together as a domestic couple of humans too. We have little (perception) money, but we have access to foods and nourishment that most of the world, and all of America has forbidden to them through one means or another.

We could have anything we desire, I could have anything I desire. If I was willing to work for it. If I wanted to get a degree, I could easily have one with no student loans when it was all over. How many people have that opportunity? To go to school and be able to walk away with no debts. That is extremely lucky. How many people fought tooth and claw for their rights to even attend school, for that opportunity, how many dedicated years of their efforts, energy, intent, and dreams to that fantasy of education.

There is a whole slew of terms that need apply. My parents don’t even bring them up at the dinner table…at the rarity that I show up for dinner, they have been divorced forever. Both remarried, some children involved here and there. Both make good money, work very hard, for themselves. They are somewhat secretly hoping that I will come to my senses and hop back on the schooltrain. Who knows…all this talk about taking things for granted, and I’m starting to feel a wan fondness for good ol’ school. It wouldn’t last long. Two weeks back in the system, and I’d freak the fuck out and lick somebody on the face. It feels good to be writing again. Thanks Celina for the comment the other day. I think very highly of you. You can be my blogsister if you like, Morgan won’t mind she is really cool and probably about your age. I am very impressed with how saavy you are for being so young, and your schooldirt reminds me of all the people I don’t know any longer.

Thanks Rachel the Imaginer for your magic…and care to the tinier moments. You take the time, and I drop the jar. Shatter-ed! I’m so lucky to be around your lifeblood. It’s about time I put some pictures up. A rocky ledge overlooking Missoula, and a picture from the Occidental Plateau outside Jefferson City. Montana, all my dreams are belong to you. huhur =)