I’m at my father’s house this weekend. I’m going to go fix Lori’s modem in exchange (hopefully) for some more milk. I didn’t call her until today to let her know I was coming. Here is the milk I got last week. It was fantastic! I haven’t had milk in months, I felt very lucky.

Zach just left to go back home. We had a wonderful time. We went to the hotsprings, played frisbee, went skiing, play a lot of magic, played some duris, and went to the Franti & Spearhead concert! It was a blast, and I’m thinking Zach had a good time, hopefully I’ll get to see more of him. He brought four magic decks with him, a blue pinger deck, a red creature deck, a green lifespring deck, and a black rat deck. We had a freakin blast. I haven’t played magic in such a long time, so many memories!

The batch of kimchi I made and blogged was done last week, I’ve since eaten most of it, and gave a jar to Rachel. Also I made another batch which did Not turn out and needs to be thrown away. It didn’t ’sink’ properly, it made me very sad =(

here me pulling off the rotten layer of cabbage on the surface, and the gold underneath is kimchi.

Here is it packed into mason jars and ready to refrigerate!

Dad is working on a saltwater aquarium, it’s really gorgeous. He has put several large hunks of ‘living rock’ inside. Living Rocks are big hunks of magma rock that someone lays in the ocean for several years until it becomes teeming with life. Then they take them and put them into a saltwater tank, and the rock transformer the tank environment with a perfect mixture of ambient bacterias, creatures, microbes, and creepy crawlies…He is really excited about it and is having lots of fun. Here is a photo of the top tank.(he’s got a really complex multi-tank system planned).

Mariah came back from spring break on thursday. Friday night I was terrible. We went over to spend the last night out with Hailey and Tyler before Hailey has to go back. We played some egyptian rat screw and watched Pan’s Labyrinth. When we got home, I wasn’t acting very well. I was frustrated with Mariah and I wasn’t capable of communicating with her.

It was invariably about sex. I hadn’t seen her for a week…and it really is the only night we’d have the time, I was leaving for my father’s the next morning, and the following week was already busy and picking up momentum. It’s really terrible…why am I not capable of just asking her for sex? Is it just the plain truth of that statement, I’m embarrassed to have to ASK someone for sex. Even if it’s the woman I sleep with? I couldn’t even talk with her about it. I just became more and more frustrated and indecipherable. I don’t get it, I was just too afraid to talk to her, and yet I want it all the more badly. Eventually…late late into the night, we did start to talk.

It’s so easy for me to think well…”Why doesn’t she want me?” or “Why is she leading me on like this?”…and as fast as they crop up, I cut those ones down with “Why are you putting the blame on her?” and “She’s perfectly fine, it’s YOU who can’t handle it.”

Pretty soon I’m getting trampled into the wooden floorboards by legions of hellishly brutal idioms, shouting out all the more intricately and vengefully by the moment.

To Mariah, this is Jared being silent. He doesn’t respond to what she says, he’s quiet. To Jared, this is War. And He’s just scrapping for survival, being clawed and shoved down to the bleeding bottom of the list.

I do not want to continue living like this. It hurts me. Mariah is unfailingly patient with me, but it is not pleasant for either of us. I’m not certain what to do. By the time it hits me, I’m toast…avoidance or prevention even are the shiny words here, but now I actually have to use them. Can anyone out there help me? Please? I know I have to help myself first. But I’m asking anyway. In addition.

‘I do forgive thy robbery, gentle thief,
Although thou steal thee all my poverty;
And yet love knows, it is a greater grief
To bear love’s wrong, than hate’s known woes.’

Thievery may be easy enough for the inclined. The difficulties begin when you must no longer be a thief. Like when the fifteen cop cars and three kennels full of dogs show up. Right then, being a thief is no longer an option. Now you have to be an innocent. It’s the transition that will get to you eventually. Innocent to a thief, thief to an innocent. It wears you down.

I am choosing the life of an innocent, or attempting to at any rate…don’t look too closely at my taxes this year Mr. Auditor! Some habits die hard. This is the beginning as I know it.

I don’t for sure remember the first time I stole something. Perhaps it was in montesauri, we had a small basket of legos, and one of the most prized pieces was a little lego flag. This was a ways before you saw the ‘designer’ legos show up with pirate or spaceship themes. Legos were basic and didn’t have lots of variety. I, being perhaps 4 years old, intended to steal that little plastic lego flag. I wanted it, was drawn to it perhaps. I planned it out beforehand, vaguely remember executing my plans and depositing it in my 4 year old jeans pocket, and much more strongly…I remember the fear afterwards.

I felt like a refugee…my teachers were transformed in hulking demons and the other children were yipping imps just waiting for the chance to screech out my transgression. With time…it faded away from memory and it only crossed my mind in the deepest of moments before drifting off to sleep.

For a long time, ten or twelve years, I don’t think I stole. I just didn’t. I spent a lot of time reading, playing outside, and going to school. I liked money, but I never felt like I needed it. My parents gave me some allowance, a couple dollars a week in exchange for chores, and so if I wanted toys or books, a little time spent saving up and I could go get them.

I’m not exactly sure when it began to come back…but it swept me up full force by the end of high school. Joey and I were filling up my car late one night, and we were standing in front of the register paying the woman who looked like she was about to pass out. Something struck me…and I followed up quickly. I slid a chocolate bar up my sleeve as she made change. Joey and I left and got back into the car. We sat there for a second, and then I tossed it into his lap. A light came upon us as we looked at each other for a moment…and we spent the next six months practicing our rampant thievery, large and small.

We were nice kids…didn’t like to hurt people, and usually felt inclined to protect the underdogs. It was out quite obvious to us that we weren’t interested in stealing from people. We wanted to steal from companies, and we did. A lot.

‘Tis bad enough in man or woman To steal a goose from off a common; But surely he’s without excuse Who steals a common from the goose.’

Those days it wasn’t about money, we looked upon it as honing our ’skills’. It was fun and exciting to be able to fend for yourself, eat, and acquire things without paying for them. Not that we had any money anyway.

I sewed a large pocket into the inside of my coat, and Joey and I ate like kings every day. We stole god only knows what…but I remember cigars, magazines, kiwis, energy bars, expensive cheeses, crackers, bread, trinkets, makeup, perfume, oils, playing cards, dish soap… anything that wasn’t tied down, useful or not, provided that the retailer wasn’t something we interpreted as a ‘human venture’. Every day, two, five, ten times a day. We stole everything a couple of 16 year old middle-class boys could imagine stealing. This went on for what seemed to be a long time…eventually I became bored, and after I moved to Montana to live with my father, my perceptions of thievery started to shift as I realized how shitty it was to work a minimum wage job in retail. This is a whole story upon itself and I’ll post it here when it’s finished.

In the meanwhile…How do you feel about thieves? Have you ever had anything stolen from you? What about stealing something yourself? What did you steal…how? And how did it make you feel? Do you think there is a difference in physical/intentional theft and opportunism? Have any good thief stories, quotes or picture? Please share them with us!

I’m so lazy i say, i don’t do anything i say. I got done probably 2 hours of work during my 8 hour shift today. How’s that for terribility?? What nonwork things did I do? Well Mediatemple appears to be an excellent reseller host, I’m thinking about compiling my scattered webshit over to their system.

Blinksale is a really cool online invoicing system. Three invoices for free per month, $12.99 after that or some such. I like it mostly, but it ain’t ‘perfect’. I’m still looking for a better solution. Do you know of any zero setup online invoicing systems?

the WWOOF is a great compendium of organic farms across the world in as many as 40+ different countries that you can go and live in exchange for work. Many of them have great raw/organic mythical farmsteads and oldworld homes. I’m currently looking for a place with children, goats, a place to swim, old growth forest, and at least one foreign language…so far today I combed through portugal, india, russia, iceland, chile, brazil, and nicaragua. goodluck to me!

I received my tax refund the other day, it’s all going in the savings account and I’m not gonna touch it. It’s my ‘potential woofing this summer’ money.

I re-organized my desktop at work, it was getting full of all kinds of shitznits.

Some neat points about that. The wolf is from wolfkeep of course…i forget which one this is, but Mariah perhaps? The girl Mariah tells me that the wolf Mariah doesn’t like her much. Carl says she is one of the ‘brat pack’.

Putty is the only windows terminal you ever need as far as I am concerned…and you can create shortcuts to specific putty sessions using the load operator. Simply create a session titled ‘terrazoa’ for example… and then save / create a shortcut like so…
C:\tools\putty.exe -load “terrazoa”

Doubleclick, and whammo!, you’re connected. Next week I want to figure out how to use pre-shared rsa / dsa certificates between a unix machine and windows xp so I don’t need to type in logon creds.

I just saw PuTTY Tray on chiark’s site…and it looks worth examining, i’ll do that later.

My spam folder in gmail just hit 666!

yay? oh hey also…I found a real cool script for greasemonkey called better gmail2, here is link, lets you read your RSS in your gmail, plus tons of other very useful and cool extras…

hello terrazoa, i missed you. it wasn’t as if i forgot about you…it was really more of a ‘i don’t want to talk to you right now’ thingy. I’m sorry, i’m back, here i am. Maybe I’ll learn something and maybe it’ll all be better for us my dear sweet blog ! So whats going on in my life right now? well here it all is…

1. Work, it’s pretty rediculous…i want more money {of course!} but I don’t feel like I’m on top of things quite enough to ask for a raise. I am much more efficient and focused then I was when I first started, but I still don’t dedicate myself fully. There is also a job at the university that pays better and I’d get tuition credits. I’m going to put in for it, I’ll keep you posted.

2. No sex. We’re not having sex until April 2nd. That is about four monthes, from when we started (december)…We made it through January so far so good! I’ve been good, I haven’t had sex with Maya, I haven’t had sex with anyone else, and I have not masturbated…I haven’t had an orgasm in 1.5 months, and I’m starting to feel better. I don’t know how to describe our situation in december, but it wasn’t very positive. We were not enjoying each other’s company…it is starting to get better lately, but i sorta grouched at Maya again last night and this morning. It was just a small thing really starting out, but it got to me pretty quickly. Lets put it all out in the open, may there be some relief here.

3. Everything was great last night, at first…Mariah came home, I had just finished up the dishes, she took off most of her clothes and sat on the couch with me, I rubbed her shoulders, neck, and back..stroked her hair, and we talked for a few minutes, fell asleep cuddling. I felt pretty good still, we were going to eat soon, there was some soup on the stove still. When she doesn’t want to deal with me, she falls asleep. I can’t help it…it’s not like I was going after sex, i just wanted some kisses, and a little play but she just lays there, and after a minute or two of me trying [i feel it's direct, but not pushy] to arouse her a little, with strokes and playful kisses…she rolls and sort of sighes in protest. It starts right there.

I go get her some soup, we eat mostly quiet, and go to bed. We lay down…she on her half, me on mine. If I don’t go to her, she won’t come to me…maybe thats just how it is. But it REALLY gets to me right now, and makes me want to play the with-holding game, which is totally self-defeating by the way, because I can’t be nice and with-hold from people…I’m either totally on the bus, or totally Off the bus…and if I’m totally off the bus it’s obvious that something is wrong…and of course she isn’t going to be affectionate if something is wrong.

So it means I have to deal with it, and maybe just accept that if I don’t go to her, she won’t ever come to me. but that makes me feel hurt, and then i start to feel stuck and angry, and i’m at odds with myself for a day or more. Anyway last night, we crawl in bed, she knows something is wrong and talks to me for a few moments, asks something, I tell her I want to be close to her but I don’t want to MOVE close to her…she asks me if I want her to come over there, and I said yes, but she doesn’t. So I go over to her anyway, and she snuggles close and is warm and sweet like always, but I’m not doing so hot right now, and I can’t take it. I try to talk to her about 30 seconds later and magically she’s not responding, the frustration just continues to build up and up and I feel indignant and a little used…finally I climb out of bed, her knees were propped over me and fall together…she murmurs ow and I naked, go to the kitchen and grab the little green champaigne filled water bong and I really really really want to walk out across the apartment building naked and go stand out on the balcony for a smoke.

I can hear people talking, and hesitate…but after a moment I do anyway and head down the hallway naked, carrying a bong out to the balcony. It’s freezing out, I have a smoke, don’t feel much better, nobody comes outside, nobody sees me. I’m a little relieved and a little disappointed. I head back inside and go to the couch. I stay up late and read “Weird Florida” and contemplate walking to the backcountry everglades to find me a root doctor that can work some hoodoo, eventually I fall asleep, a vague restless pot sleep, and wake up at about 7am, still grumpy and still mad at Maya.

I did call her you and apologize while I was at work, but I’m still hurt, I just can’t hide it, and I can’t really explain it…i can’t help but feel it always comes out a lot like whining. So instead I try and quantify things…I’ll justify with numbers, instances, fairness, and all that jazz. I’ve given you probably six fairly nice backrubs in the last month, and I don’t get a single one? Just empty promises…sweet delectible juicy hollow pity. I dote over your body, I play with you, I come to you…you don’t touch me, you don’t exhibit any interest in my body, it seems you could care less. You never lay down with me, you never lay down on me, you never move to my side of the bed to snuggle, you never try and take my clothes off. You never try and get me excited, you never attack me, you never tickle me, you say I’m not ticklish, but you don’t know how to tickle someone, it has to come from your eyes not your fingers.

I try so hard to say sweet things(and this hurts me somehow) , you took over my bed! the comfy half, and i sleep on it when you’re gone, but it’s always yours when you’re here, and I take the other half.
You!!!! yes girl, you know who! If I didn’t know better I’d almost say you were Japanese, you don’t WANT anything. Me included…oh the sauce of things. Jokes on me, hah! Now I feel mostly empty, not angry though, but penny brought chocolate to work and I’m starting to crash now…my teeth hurt.

I’m not ready for you. I’m just not there. Your wonderful, and i can’t appreciate you. don’t forget me.

4. There are some new things I want to do here. I want to participate! I want to be a part of the blogosphere, but I’m scattered, and strewn about on the rocks. I don’t make much sense to myself, and I don’t feel very strong, or very insightful, or very special. I don’t quite feel like shit, but I’m usually only one wrong step away from the precipice.

But there are SOME thing I can do, there are SOME things I can bring to the table, and slowly I want them to start showing up here. So there it is…I’m sorry I abandoned you terrazoa, I’m sorry I cause you so much pain Jared, I’m not sorry for you Mariah, but oh god I’d love to be.

My uncle called me today, I haven’t spoken to him in at least a year, I was pretty excited. But he got right down to business, mentioning that his two young sons were interested in World of Warcraft. I felt sure that he was calling to see what I thought about the notion, like as far as their health was concerned. This was not the case. He just wanted to know how he could get them playing (and off his back, bothering him about it), without purchasing the original and it’s subscription.

Why the fuck would you let your children play World of Warcraft? This is very well highly hypocritical of me, to anyone that knows exactly how much time I spent on the computer as a young child. And still do today, duh?

I like to think it’s BECAUSE of that, that the thought of plugging 9 year olds into World of Warcraft sounds like a 0% APR, no cash down, lifetime invested tragedy. Hell, who feels the twinges of games pulling at your heart-strings years and years later, not me…nope! *wince*. *Choke*.

haha, not I, Everquest my mother? Counter-strike a little brother?

Mudding was not my imaginary friend, and Whats Heroes of Might and Magic? I had a dad or something. Warcraft sat next to me in third grade, and Dune was the muddy little girl I kissed out on the playground, when nobody was looking. Giant Citizen Kabuto my first naked encounter. I lost my virginity to Diablo 2, in peals of screaming feverish lust over and over again…and moved away from home into an apartment with Dark Age of Camelot. I ran through the woods, screaming and bashing imaginary goblins next to Civilization 2, and soaking my weary body under the stars, blowing smoke with Oblivion and Morrowind.

Lol. heh story-of-my-life? I can’t focus, all that coffee at work, it’s going to my nerves. Should be pouring it in my butt right? I’m sure they’d all LOVE that! What Shari…say you didn’t know this was how we do it these days, oh…no…well okay. Sure, I’ll close up shop, would you mind pulling that coffee filter out first…sorta slipped or something. Ah….yes…thats…what…I…will…do…tomorrow. :P

goodnight blog, goodnight moon, goodnight bear.

Powered by ScribeFire.