i can has sanity?

hello terrazoa, i missed you. it wasn’t as if i forgot about you…it was really more of a ‘i don’t want to talk to you right now’ thingy. I’m sorry, i’m back, here i am. Maybe I’ll learn something and maybe it’ll all be better for us my dear sweet blog ! So whats going on in my life right now? well here it all is…

1. Work, it’s pretty rediculous…i want more money {of course!} but I don’t feel like I’m on top of things quite enough to ask for a raise. I am much more efficient and focused then I was when I first started, but I still don’t dedicate myself fully. There is also a job at the university that pays better and I’d get tuition credits. I’m going to put in for it, I’ll keep you posted.

2. No sex. We’re not having sex until April 2nd. That is about four monthes, from when we started (december)…We made it through January so far so good! I’ve been good, I haven’t had sex with Maya, I haven’t had sex with anyone else, and I have not masturbated…I haven’t had an orgasm in 1.5 months, and I’m starting to feel better. I don’t know how to describe our situation in december, but it wasn’t very positive. We were not enjoying each other’s company…it is starting to get better lately, but i sorta grouched at Maya again last night and this morning. It was just a small thing really starting out, but it got to me pretty quickly. Lets put it all out in the open, may there be some relief here.

3. Everything was great last night, at first…Mariah came home, I had just finished up the dishes, she took off most of her clothes and sat on the couch with me, I rubbed her shoulders, neck, and back..stroked her hair, and we talked for a few minutes, fell asleep cuddling. I felt pretty good still, we were going to eat soon, there was some soup on the stove still. When she doesn’t want to deal with me, she falls asleep. I can’t help it…it’s not like I was going after sex, i just wanted some kisses, and a little play but she just lays there, and after a minute or two of me trying [i feel it's direct, but not pushy] to arouse her a little, with strokes and playful kisses…she rolls and sort of sighes in protest. It starts right there.

I go get her some soup, we eat mostly quiet, and go to bed. We lay down…she on her half, me on mine. If I don’t go to her, she won’t come to me…maybe thats just how it is. But it REALLY gets to me right now, and makes me want to play the with-holding game, which is totally self-defeating by the way, because I can’t be nice and with-hold from people…I’m either totally on the bus, or totally Off the bus…and if I’m totally off the bus it’s obvious that something is wrong…and of course she isn’t going to be affectionate if something is wrong.

So it means I have to deal with it, and maybe just accept that if I don’t go to her, she won’t ever come to me. but that makes me feel hurt, and then i start to feel stuck and angry, and i’m at odds with myself for a day or more. Anyway last night, we crawl in bed, she knows something is wrong and talks to me for a few moments, asks something, I tell her I want to be close to her but I don’t want to MOVE close to her…she asks me if I want her to come over there, and I said yes, but she doesn’t. So I go over to her anyway, and she snuggles close and is warm and sweet like always, but I’m not doing so hot right now, and I can’t take it. I try to talk to her about 30 seconds later and magically she’s not responding, the frustration just continues to build up and up and I feel indignant and a little used…finally I climb out of bed, her knees were propped over me and fall together…she murmurs ow and I naked, go to the kitchen and grab the little green champaigne filled water bong and I really really really want to walk out across the apartment building naked and go stand out on the balcony for a smoke.

I can hear people talking, and hesitate…but after a moment I do anyway and head down the hallway naked, carrying a bong out to the balcony. It’s freezing out, I have a smoke, don’t feel much better, nobody comes outside, nobody sees me. I’m a little relieved and a little disappointed. I head back inside and go to the couch. I stay up late and read “Weird Florida” and contemplate walking to the backcountry everglades to find me a root doctor that can work some hoodoo, eventually I fall asleep, a vague restless pot sleep, and wake up at about 7am, still grumpy and still mad at Maya.

I did call her you and apologize while I was at work, but I’m still hurt, I just can’t hide it, and I can’t really explain it…i can’t help but feel it always comes out a lot like whining. So instead I try and quantify things…I’ll justify with numbers, instances, fairness, and all that jazz. I’ve given you probably six fairly nice backrubs in the last month, and I don’t get a single one? Just empty promises…sweet delectible juicy hollow pity. I dote over your body, I play with you, I come to you…you don’t touch me, you don’t exhibit any interest in my body, it seems you could care less. You never lay down with me, you never lay down on me, you never move to my side of the bed to snuggle, you never try and take my clothes off. You never try and get me excited, you never attack me, you never tickle me, you say I’m not ticklish, but you don’t know how to tickle someone, it has to come from your eyes not your fingers.

I try so hard to say sweet things(and this hurts me somehow) , you took over my bed! the comfy half, and i sleep on it when you’re gone, but it’s always yours when you’re here, and I take the other half.
You!!!! yes girl, you know who! If I didn’t know better I’d almost say you were Japanese, you don’t WANT anything. Me included…oh the sauce of things. Jokes on me, hah! Now I feel mostly empty, not angry though, but penny brought chocolate to work and I’m starting to crash now…my teeth hurt.

I’m not ready for you. I’m just not there. Your wonderful, and i can’t appreciate you. don’t forget me.

4. There are some new things I want to do here. I want to participate! I want to be a part of the blogosphere, but I’m scattered, and strewn about on the rocks. I don’t make much sense to myself, and I don’t feel very strong, or very insightful, or very special. I don’t quite feel like shit, but I’m usually only one wrong step away from the precipice.

But there are SOME thing I can do, there are SOME things I can bring to the table, and slowly I want them to start showing up here. So there it is…I’m sorry I abandoned you terrazoa, I’m sorry I cause you so much pain Jared, I’m not sorry for you Mariah, but oh god I’d love to be.